penguinchild (penguinchild) wrote,
penguinchild
penguinchild

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"How can you not be happy?"

A Florida friend on Skype asked me this.

"Your pictures on Facebook look so amazing!"

Now, isn't that the point of Facebook; to highlight the minuscule nothingness of your day, but on a level where it makes everyone else feel just a little bit jealous of you?
If that's not the textbook definition, I'd like call upon whatever council I need to and rally for the formal recognition of this new definition.

But in all seriousness, I am unhappy.
While everything in life is relative, I have no critical reason to be unhappy. I am healthy. My family is healthy. I can support myself. I have people that care about me. I live in an amazingly beautiful place. I am one of the lucky ones.
Still, the emptiness encompasses so much of my time it's turned me numb. Numb to human interactions. Too numb to care or show compassion. Too numb to give any effort.
I push everyone away and then get angry when they seem distant. It's a constant cycle of fucking myself over and it's nothing new. I'm really good at it. These walls I've built and rebuilt and rebuilt again have become claustrophobic, but the thought of even putting a door into those walls seems overwhelming.
Thus, I am alone. I work all day alone and then I come home alone. Sometimes, I feel my loneliness is palpable to complete strangers I pass during the day.

Everything is so different now than it used to be. I've never been good with change and yet change is the only constant. You'd think I'd eventually get it down.

I just want to wake up and everything be better again. I want to wake up and not have the weight of lifting my legs and swooping them to the edge of the bed be so difficult. I want that feeling of looking forward to a new day back. A day when I turn on my music and dance around in front of my mirror and not give a flying fuck about anything but that very moment in time.

It will happen. It will get better. I has to.
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